


Compassion

by summerrain24601



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Best Friends, F/M, Gen, Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-22 06:58:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15576312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerrain24601/pseuds/summerrain24601
Summary: She saved the world, but she needs a little help to save herself.





	1. Chapter 1

_"Stop. You are perfect exactly as you are. But then you turned away."_

She had expected something to happen, but not this. She had given that elf her heart, only for him to rip it to shreds and leave it behind in that glen. With him gone, there was nothing keeping her nightmares at bay. Every night, she saw the giant Nightmare Demon, as Hawke pulled her by the hand through the Rift. Or she was back at the Breach, battling her first Pride demon. Or, the worst yet, the dark future she'd seen in Redcliff. That future had been averted, but that didn't wipe what she'd seen from her memories. Or the one from her childhood. Her father's death at the hands of the shems, nearly sparking a war between Clan Lavellan and that little Marcher village.

Add that onto the constant pressure of Inquisitor? And the voices in her head, the voices from the Well of Sorrows. The voices of Mythal's many servants through the ages. Most of them told her to simply get over it. But there was one who told her about a qunari term. The translation was "soul sickness". Something that soldiers who returned home often had. And those soldiers were retired and sent to join the priesthood instead. 

But there had been only one person in Skyhold who trusted the voices, and Morrigan had left not long after the final battle. Just like Solas had. Now her other friends talked about scattering, once the paperwork was settled. Blackwall had already left with the last group of Wardens who had stopped by Skyhold on their way back into Ferelden. Iron Bull would be staying as long as the Inquisition was paying the Chargers, so she had that much, at least. But the others? Dorian was planning on going back to Tevinter. Kirkwall needed Varric, now that the world wasn't ending. Cassandra had so much to do in order to get ready for her coronation as the next Divine. Even Vivienne was talking about leaving soon, to track down lost tomes from the Circles. But what would that leave her with?

It would be so easy, wouldn't it, to just let the mark consume her as it almost had before. She'd only fought it back then because she'd been told it was their only chance. Now, though… She felt magic surge through her, causing the mark to flare to life and sending a massive jolt of pain up her arm and through her shoulder. But it was such a common pain now, she didn't react. To let herself be consumed by the magic she didn't understand… Would it even hurt?

"Taken by the Conclave, taken by the shemlen chantry. Who will I lose her to next?" A soft voice startled her out of her thoughts, and she realized she'd been staring at the fire for at least half an hour. 

"Who's…?"

"Your hurt connects to hers," the spirit-boy told her. "There are many who would be sad if you died. I would be sad if you died."

"Cole, I… But…" She didn't know what to say. She hadn't expected someone to be so forthcoming about their feelings of her. 

"He didn't want to leave," Cole continued. "But he knew if you were real, everyone else might be too. And that made it more dangerous." He paused, and when he next spoke his voice took on a different undertone. "A world full of tranquil, living this way only because they do not know. Except her, so brightly she shines. If she is like this, even now, does that mean the rest of them might be?"

"Don't do that, please," she begged, wrapping her arms around herself. Only he could see her like this now. She wouldn't have been able to hide from him anyway. 

"No, that didn't work. I tugged on the tangle and tore it," he panicked. "Let me try again."

"You can't just fix this overnight!" she yelled at him, fighting back tears. "What if I wasn't the right choice for Inquisitor? What if someone else wouldn't have lost all those lives? Could I have saved Stroud too? I saw them all die… for me. For this cause…"

"Inquisitor. She can save us," Cole spoke, once again in a different tone. "Staring down that dragon in Haven, she must be blessed by someone."

"Stop it!" she demanded, tears starting to make their way down her cheeks. He could sense the pain, the sadness inside her. He could tell just how deep in ran. How hard it would be to fix. She may have saved the world, but now she needed someone to save her. "I can't keep doing this! Every night, I see the same nightmares! I can't escape them, no matter how hard I try. And they've only gotten worse since he left. I can't… I can't stand this." He saw her hand twitch, reaching for something on the desk, and just like that he was beside her. His hand atop hers, his eyes meeting hers through his mop of pale hair.

"Don't," he insisted softly, gently prying her fingers from around the handle. "So many would be sad if you did." She looked up at him, a challenging edge to her tear-filled eyes, and then allowed him to take the small blade that she'd hidden under some papers that still needed to be filed. It was just a small knife she'd taken from the kitchen, but it was enough. It could be enough. She closed her eyes and shook her head, taking her hand back and wrapping her arms around herself.

"Get rid of it," she requested, her voice barely above a whisper. But he knew what she meant. He took the small knife in his hand and disappeared to the kitchen, where he placed it on one of the counters before returning to her room. There, he hugged her as she cried, being the friend she needed but was too afraid to ask for. Because he knew without knowing, saw without seeing, and heard without hearing. Even if everyone else abandoned her, he would be at her side. She had given him a chance to be something more. He could, at the very least, return the favor by being her friend. If he could bring hope back into her dark life, then he would be happy. 

She cried herself to sleep in his arms, exhausted. He gently laid her down on the bed, and then found a spot nearby. He would sit with her for as long as he had to, if that was what it took.


	2. Chapter 2

When she slept, he left. Not for good, of course. Just for now. Since she helped him remember what he was, he could move around even quicker than he had before. He learned how to control the Fade, along with people's memories, to get wherever he wanted. He had promised that he wouldn't make her forget, unless she asked. And, so far, she hadn't. He couldn't make her forget Solas, or the other things causing her nightmares, without making her forget a lot of what she'd done in the last two years. But there were other ways he could help. 

First, he went to the rookery, on the top floor of the rotunda. As he got closer, he could feel her, too. So he focused on it.

_A man with many names slips a knife to the Left Hand. Amell, mage. Warden, Hero, Commander. Friend. Love. But no contact. Trying not to worry but unable to stop. Would he have said anything if I hadn't asked her to get a message to him?_

But he could tell that, despite her doubts, the spymaster trusted the man she loved. She just worried about him, as was normal for anyone who loved someone else. That wasn't the kind of pain he could get rid of completely, but he could make it lighter. He kept himself invisible to her as he came up the last few steps, watching. She picked one of her birds out of its cage, he recognized him as her fastest messenger, and tied the paper to his leg before walking to the door that led to the balcony. But she didn't come back inside right away, so he followed her. She had both hands on the stone wall, and sighed. She missed him. She longed to see him again. Cole could see him as she saw him, dressed in the now-standard Grey Warden armor, standing before the remains of a small castle. People bustled around, some treating injuries, others moving rubble. Off to the left, lines of covered bodies laid, each one being prepared for their funeral. And Amell, bustling about from one person to the next, trying to do everything at once. And the brilliant smile on his face when he finally spotted her.

Vigil's Keep, at the end of the Amaranthine Conflict. The battle that had earned the Wardens a place in the hearts of the Ferelden people because the new Commander refused to give up on the city. 

"He misses you," Cole said finally, startling Leliana. "He had plans, but those plans went awry. He made new ones, and this time he will keep them. He'll find you, but you want to be the one to find him first. Like hide and seek, you make it a game so it doesn't hurt as much."

"I still don't understand how you see so much," Leliana admitted, pushing off the half-wall and going back inside. "Was there something you needed, Cole?"

"Yes." He touched her forehead lightly with two fingers, showing her what had happened in the Inquisitor's room. This was a fairly new skill of his, something he was still figuring out. "She can't win this fight on her own, but she will try until it kills her. You can help." His hand fell to his side again.

"I had no idea..." the spymaster confessed softly, guiltily. 

" _Can't tell them, they have so much to worry about already. Everyone's gone, but I can't leave. Am I getting left behind again?_ She didn't want to be a burden to anyone. And she's afraid," he explained. "She saved the world with the Inquisition behind her, she's afraid to admit that she can't save herself."

"Thank you for telling me," she said genuinely. "I'll talk to Josie about this, see what she knows... This is..."

"Not your area of expertise?" Cole suggested helpfully. 

"Exactly," she agreed. 

"He always had a purpose, always a new task to complete," he said. "Never time to focus on the past, always the present or the future. Past is past, but future can be changed."

"Have you met him before?" Leliana asked, surprised.

"Once. Maybe. I was in the Fade, then, before the White Spire. Before I forgot," he responded. "He was in the tower, with another man and a Chantry woman. _How do you keep mages away from something?_ Doors and keys, Tranquil. Rod of Fire. Someone named Duncan, and a friend named Jowan. But Jowan lied. Blood mage ruined my life, ruined hers. She's in Aeonar and he's Tranquil." His eyes, difficult to see under both the hat and the mop of hair, unfocused as Cole reflected on the past. "Harrowing. Quick and quiet, no worries. Best yet, in fact." His eyes focused on her again. "I left before the demons came."

"Thank you, Cole, for telling me about the Inquisitor," Leliana said again. "I'll keep a closer watch on her, as a friend."

"Good." That was all he said before he vanished from her sight again, making his way back to the ground floor. He looked at the door to the Inquisitor's quarters, and he could sense that she would sleep for hours yet. He still had time. He wandered into the courtyard, then out of Skyhold and into the army's tents around the outside. He used one man's dreams to slip back into the Fade. Time moved differently in the Fade, he could find what he was looking for and get back to her side before she woke up. And it was easy to find what he was looking for. The other elf's spirit was so familiar to him, tracking him down was easy.

"Cole? I am not surprised you found me," Solas admitted, not bothering to face him. Cole wasn't entirely sure what the dream was. It looked like a massive library, even bigger than the one he saw at the Winter Palace. And the elves scattered through it all seemed to use magic as easily as they breathed. It was nearly impossible to tell how old any of the adults were. Out the window, he could see crystal spires, and crystals small enough to fit in his hand magically suspended in the trees around them. Only one word came to mind, one that he heard over and over in the memories of the elves.

"Arlathan?"

"Just a memory," was the reply. Finally, Solas turned to face the spirit. "You must have a reason for searching me out."

"You hurt her," he said simply, his voice taking on a much darker tone. As soon as the words were said, he could feel how they hurt him. "But it hurt you, too. Why did you do it?"

"As I told her in the beginning, it would have been kinder in the long run." He turned away, watching the memory. 

"You don't know what she almost did."

"I have been keeping an eye on her," he admitted, somewhere between indignant and hesitant. 

"Do you know, then?"

"Yes. I know. And driving her to such was never my intention." Cole knew, from the tone in the elf's voice, how he felt about it. But he couldn't tell her, not now. Knowing wouldn't help. 

"You kept her nightmares away," he said instead. He knew exactly what to say, what words would twist the knife and which ones would heal the gash into a scar. "Now she has no one."

"She has you. And for that, you have my thanks." His words now were genuine. "Do you plan to tell the others?"

"No. I only told Leliana because I know she can help. The others are too far away now." Varric would want to leave Kirkwall to help her, but he was needed there. Cassandra couldn't leave Val Royeaux so soon after her coronation as Divine Victoria. "She's afraid that they will treat her differently if they know. I won't tell them. But she might."

"You should return to her, Cole," Solas said after a long moment of silence. "Your presence will be good for her." Cole slipped out of the dream, paying just enough attention to see the Fade distort, and where Solas had stood was instead a great white wolf. Then the dream faded completely, and he tracked the Inquisitor's magic, tracked the Anchor, through the Fade into her dreams. Then back out into her room. He would be there when she woke. He would not let her be alone until she was ready. Within reason, of course.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this and you are depressed or suicidal, I'm proud of you for making it one more day. You've survived all of your bad days so far, after all. Please, keep fighting.


End file.
